I was taking care of some paperwork today that required walking through a maze of tax and financial information. In the past, I loved doing that type of work. It was like crawling into my mind and getting lost. Everything around me fell away and it was challenging for anyone to get my attention.
Today the experience was different. I did the work and completed what was required. I even got it done earlier than it was needed. Yet, I was feeling hollow, rather than elated, which was the outcome of my previous experiences. So what’s different?
I wasn’t sure, so I decided to use this writing to find the answer to that question. Ahhh. for one thing, I’m finding that I’m having fewer emotional highs and lows. I can feel my personality wondering what’s wrong. I mean, aren’t we supposed to be filled with excitement when we accomplish something?
Now I can see where this is going. I have an addiction to emotional “juice”. I want to feel the high because I believe the highs show me and others how well I’m doing (interesting, since I know that after the high comes the low, which I’m not so keen about). Excellent! Another clue appears.
I often did this type of work to be well thought of. In this case, I would want my wife to know how well I’m taking care of her and the family. I want to be regarded as a hero conquering this morass of complexity. This is where the payoff is falling flat. I don’t seem to need her appreciating me. I just got done what was required. No fanfare is called for.
This isn’t what I expected. I thought I would experience this inner calm and peace and , you know, the music would play and the heavens would open. As crazy as that sounds, it’s not too far from my fantasy. Of course, that dramatic expectation can only be another product of my personality. A personality that loves drama, especially if I’m at the center of it.
It’s nice to sit in the calm of completion. I can share this with you (and my wife who edits this blog) and if it helps you along your way, great. Things are getting simpler. Authenticity is becoming a more constant companion.
Sometimes, we feel a gnawing discontent. This arises from something inside that keeps letting us know that something isn’t right in our lives. In my case, this discontent has arisen many times and i have done my best to push it back down. Not in overt ways. I’m more subtle in my approach to my inner concerns.
“Yes, yes, that’s right things aren’t going well for me. Let me just finish what i’m doing” or “I need to do just one more things and then I tend to this concern”. The problem is there is never a comfortable moment so the dance drags on. Until there is a calamity of some sort and the noise is so loud that to ignore it could jeopardize my life.
I’ve had a long career of creating new businesses or helping businesses grow. The creative flow is very strong in me. I probably see a new business opportunity multiple times a day. The problem is that I’m have way more ideas than time and even when I take the time to engage a new idea, I don’t vet it as well as I could. Particularly, I don’t dig in and see how well this great idea is purposeful and is aligned with my most important values. I just jump in.
Which leads me to today. I used to have a writeup in this space about my wonderful accomplishments. Sure, I’ve done lots of things, but does that really matter to you? You might be more interested in why am I writing. I would be if i was reading this.
I’m writing because I love helping people see things they may have missed. Not to help them be smarter or think of me as a clever guy. The purpose is to help them have richer lives. So, few of us tap even a small portion of our potential. Each day that we pass the opportunity of a full life will never be recovered. I’m at a stage of life where this feels more important than ever. I do have regrets for not reaching this conclusion earlier and then again there is no time like the present.
I welcome any feedback you have or areas you are interested in exploring. If I have something to share, I’ll do so gladly. Thank you for reading and I wish you a full and rich life.
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Heart of a Leader 
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