As we have settled into our new home, my wife and I have explored the land. It is filled with wildlife that seems to jump from a nature magazine, and wild plants, whose varied identities continue to amaze us. There is a feeling of the green world of Ireland here with its deep beauty and wildness.
As we’ve talk about the history of Ireland and in particular its Celtic heritage, the mythical characters almost take life before our eyes. We have almost three acres of lawn, so a lot of attention can be easily placed on orderliness. Yet, just below the surface, I can feel wildness. Its like the Celtic god, Cernunos, is waiting to appear.
It’s this wildness that I write about today. I find that most of my life is about control. The messages from birth have been to control my sexual drive, control my temper, control my children, control my business – control everything.
At what cost is all this control and is it misguided anyway? When I was feeling the wildness here, I found I became very uncomfortable. My inner conversation was to get into motion so that this feeling of wildness didn’t go too far. Wait, I thought, what’s wrong with wildness? Oh, it’s out of control.
I have to admit I am afraid of wildness. I want the neat and orderly world of my lawn rather than the uncertainty of what lies just beneath. I know that control isn’t really possible anyway. I mean, how can I control the weather, or how you feel, or what the stock market will do today? Control is such an intense focus that creates so much tension and no real payoff. Yet, I pretend it’s possible. What folly.
I admire people who I feel are wild. I like their unrestrained nature. Is this admiration an invitation for me to allow my wildness to come out? As the terror of letting go of control abates a bit, I am getting interested in seeing what this wildness thing would be like. There are moments when I do feel it already. My wife says the fire comes into my eyes.
Maybe by just admitting my worries about the world being out of control, I can allow more of my wildness to come out. I’m getting excited about this possibility. I’mcurious to see how this unfolds….