What do I have to say?
If you write, you know there comes a moment when you wonder, “what is it that I could have to say that others would find interesting?”. It is the same worry that I suspect those who “expose”
themselves in public, such as stage performers or comics or musicians, have. This worry is fueled by the hubris of life that feeds flames of discord about our value. It can at times intensify to the extent that it is all we can feel. Our world is consumed with this question and we dread that the answer is “Nothing”!
I was watching this drama play out the other day, and saw the long hallway it is, threading its way throughout my life. I have a number of mechanisms to cope with this fear of “nothing”-ness. I can be boastful, and pretend that it doesn’t exist. The result of that approach is not particularly useful and creates strain all around. Another response is to become like a turtle. I pull into my shell and allow the worthlessness to fester into a throbbing despair.
As I was writing in my journal last night, I was remembering a recent lesson. I was sitting in the desert in a deep meditation and wandering through the darkness. Within this darkness were the castoffs of experiences that had been tossed aside, without allowing their lessons to penetrate my mind and be held by my heart. In this playground of monsters, I was reminded that I could simply stand up. I did not have to just sit and let the demons gnaw at me.
In standing, I break up the pity party and let in light so the true nature of my life can be revealed, and the distortions that upend my equilibrium can be put into their proper place.
May you have a peaceful day,