I have been noticing how often the question, “Why” is asked when things don’t work out the way we expect. Like when our kids have some behavior that we don’t feel is appropriate such as punching another kid. The first question asked is, “Why did you do that?” In a business setting, I have been the one asking this simple question when the sales manager’s commitment for revenue was not achieved after reassuring me that “it was in the bank!” I could go on and on with examples.
I was wondering about this today and realized that the question Why” isn’t very useful. In the case of kids, for the most part they don’t understand why they hit the other kid. Probably they are more afraid of the question “why” than they are of the consequence you are likely to give them. One of our early learned behaviors is making up an answer to this question. Remember when you mom or dad or teacher asked you why you did something. I do. Then when the didn’t like the answer I gave such as, “I don’t know” they would say something like, “sure you do, now tell me!”.
This situation carries over into all aspects of our adult lives. A spouse may ask you why you didn’t take out the garbage or some more serious question. You co-workers may ask, “why were you late with that project?”. You manager may ask, “why didn’t you meet my expectations for the quarterly goal?”. In most cases, our conditioned responses will be a story that we hope will satisfy them and not spend any time on finding the real answer to the question “why“.
So I am proposing abandoning the question. That’s right just don’t ask “why” again. It will take some getting used to, I am a skilled practitioner of using this question. Instead, I am going to ask a few different questions. Such as, “I notice that what I expected isn’t what you delivered. what can you do now to meet my expectations. (I have a hunch they may not quite know how to handle the question in that it is so simple and not what they are used to). With the kids (we have four at home), I think I will use a derivative of this question, like,” you didn’t do what you said so let’s talk about the consequence for that.”
I am curious what you might think about this approach to the question “why“. I would love to hear your comments.