Denial and other things I have in Common with Richard Nixon

This morning I was reading an opinion piece in the Washington Post by Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein. In their first joint byline in 36 years, these writers made famous by the Watergate scandal, tell a much deeper story of Watergate in 40 Years after Watergate, Nixon was far worse than we thought.

SInce their early reporting and book, All the President’s Men, so much more is known about what actually happened in the Nixon White House. With released tapes of conversations in the oval office, candid interviews and books by many of the key players and internal memos and other documents, the depth of the activities of the President and his team seem to be the stuff of unbelievable fiction.

Clearly the President engaged in serious illegal activity. This activity was motivated by his fears. He was afraid he wouldn’t be re-elected and would do anything to knock out any Democratic challengers. This was only the tip of the iceberg. The article points out multiple fronts where Nixon employed illegal activity to exert his control over what was important to him from the prosecution of the Vietnam War to the liberal media to his war against the democrats.

Nixon’s undoing came from his hatred of perceived opponents. He felt anyone who challenged his programs, points of view or policies was an enemy. It appears Nixon felt he could employ any device he deemed necessary to diminish, discredit or destroy the enemy’s creditability.

As I was reading this article, I reflected on feelings of anger I had when I felt someone betrayed me. At one time, as the CEO of a technology company, a good friend who worked at the company went to the chairman and said he felt I was putting the company at risk by not paying enough attention to one of our partners. I was furious. How could he! I immediately began a “counter-attack”. I discredited his point of view and in short order fired him. My inner dialogue was, “Well I guess I have that handled.”

Turns out my friend was right. The partner was not given the support we promised. I made decisions to shift resources from his project without talking with him about my decision. I felt he would just have to roll with the punches. After all, he was supposed to be serving us. My arrogant perspective and denial led the partner to file an arbitration action against the company. It wasn’t until the arbitrator ruled on behalf of the partner that I took stock of the consequence of my actions.

I’m not sure if Richard Nixon ever looked deeply enough into his actions in the White House to see the impact of his denial and projected judgment on himself and others. In both his autobiography, RN, and his subsequent book, In the Arena, he continued to deny his involvement in many activities for which there are audiotapes of his complicity. In a now famous 1976 interview with David Frost, Nixon said, “I didn’t think of it as a coverup. I didn’t intend a coverup. Let me say, if I intended the coverup, believe me, I would have done it.” Yet over 40 people served prison time and Nixon relinquished the Presidency.

I wrote about denial last week. It is a constant companion when I am afraid of looking at myself without deception. It starts as an automatic reaction to the threat of exposure, and, if not corrected quickly, can lead me down the road of lies that are hard to retract and distrust that’s difficult to heal. It’s a good reminder to keep things clear and clean so that I don’t have to spend time clearing up the mess.

Sometimes it’s Good to do something that Really Scares You!

School had just let out for the summer and the first place I wanted to go was to my grandmother’s house. She was not working that day, so it was just the two of us for lunch. Being a typical thirteen year old, I wanted to go out and play while she was making lunch.

I ran out the back door and slammed it shut. Much to my surprise, I was immediately attacked by a swarm of pigmy wasps. I ran and still they followed. In all I received thirteen stings.

I immediately ran into the house and grandma’s maid quickly applied the old remedy of baking soda on the quickly rising welts. It was apparent that this was not a typical wasp sting situation. My heart rate was elevated and my breathing became difficult. My grandma called my mother so she could drive me to the doctor’s office (grandma didn’t drive).

I was ushered through the backdoor of the doctor’s office and placed on an examining table. It was clear to the doctor that I was in a major health crisis. My heart rate and blood pressure were at dangerous (read life-threatening) levels and my whole body was turning bright red. Immediately the doctor administered epinephrine.Initially, each time I received a shot, the symptoms dropped a bit, but still I was in danger.

In the middle of this drama, my doctor’s associate came in and announced, “I’ve never seen a reaction as bad as yours.” (You can imagine how reassuring this was for a thirteen year old). Over a period of two hours the medication kicked in and my systems returned to normal. It certainly was a good scare.

For many years, I carried a prescribed bee-sting kit. I never had to use it, but it felt good to have it when I was away from immediate medical care. In 2003, I was attending a program at a retreat center outside of Helena, MT. As I was sitting in a patch of clover, I put my hand on the ground for balance. Apparently, I disturbed a foraging bee and was stung between my thumb and forefinger. I waited to see if I had a reaction. Nothing. It seemed that my childhood experience was past. I have had several wasp and bee stings since that time and my reaction is what one would expect – a little swelling that quickly subsides.

Last year, I decided to become a beekeeper. I thought that since my sting incident was past, this should be no problem. Wrong! I built three hives and ordered bees for them. I went to the beekeepers house and brought the preformed combs and bees home. So far, so good. Once home, it was time for me to transfer the bees to their permanent hives.

This is when the fun began. As I opened the first temporary hive, the bees swarmed out. I was not wearing any of my beekeepers gear. I stopped in my tracks. My wife went into the house and brought out my gloves and helmet with veil. I put them on and then put my attention on transferring the bees. For almost ten minutes, I was frozen. All of my fears of death by bee sting were making themselves heard.

I was determined to move the bees, and finally did so. When I got to the third hive, I saw that the bees were more active than the first two had been. I again felt the fear rise up and started to move the hive anyway. In the middle of the process, a bee got inside my protective veil and stung me on the face. Panic was right in my face, and I did run away form the hive. I settled myself down and came back and finished the job.

Now its 2012 and I’m still keeping bees. I had a hive die over the winter and just picked up a replacement. Yesterday morning, it was time to move the bees into their new home. This time I was both aware of the inner fear and a new story – bee stings won’t kill me. I let this new story settle in and then began the work of moving the hives. When the first swarm of bees rose out of the hive and started pinging my head veil, I took a breathe and blew them away.

I felt a deep appreciation of my fear and the deliberateness to face it head on. In fact, my summer’s ambition is to have no fear of bees at all. I’m not sure if that’s how it will turn out, but that’s not so important at this point. I now have an experience of overriding my body’s fear when it is no longer helpful. I’m reminded that fear can be a strong teacher and is something to turn into rather than avoid!

I offer a few questions that may help you along your way. What is it that you are afraid of? How does it affect your relationships with others and yourself? Is it time to face the fear with appreciation and let it go?

LIberation Day!

What are you afraid of? For me, it’s making mistakes. I feel awful, when I believe I have done something incorrectly. Maybe, it’s an old fear of being shamed or teased. I don’t know. Whatever the cause, it’s a limitation that I’m pretty tired of.

When I look at it rationally, it doesn’t really make sense. What if I fall off my bike or burn the stew? What does it matter if my writing is substandard today and I farted in the checkout line? None of these actions define who I am. They are just passing moments that are left on life’s cutting room floor long after I leave.

Today is liberation day. I have decided (it’s actually that simple) that I don’t care if I make mistakes today. You see, the hidden truth is that my fear of making mistakes brings with it more mistakes. It’s ironic – that which I fear, I experience. Quite a conundrum I created.

Today, I’m going to do what I feel is right, with no worry about any errors I make. Just sharing this with you, I feel lighter. The French have Bastille Day on July 14^th, I have Liberation Day on April 25^th. It’s time.

What about you? What are you afraid of? Are you ready for your liberation day?

Thomas

An antidote for FEAR!

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
………..
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

This opening and closing of Mary Oliver’s poem Wild Geese awakened in me the music of the heart.

When I look over the blanket of fear that cloaks so many of us, I know that this fear isn’t real. It has been created in our minds without any consultation with the heart.

When I began writing this blog, I dreamed that it was a repository of the music of my heart, for my heart is the place where true guidance emerges. Guidance on living a passionate, fruitful life filled with service and abundance.

How can I say that the current fear is an illusion? Let’s say that I choose to join the millions of fearful Americans in their mood today. Would this fear be based upon what I am experiencing now, or what I am concerned I will experience in the future? The answer is that it is about the future.

If I were to simply look at the present moment and experience what I have, I would find no room for fear. I have a warm home, plenty of food, a warm family, I am doing what I love. Then what would I fear? I could fear that one day I may not have adequate money for my family’s needs. I could fear the loss of my home. I could fear harsh consequences for others in my family and community.

This fear is not real – it is not today’s reality. Putting my attention on it accomplishes two things. It changes my mood so that I don’t fully enjoy what I have now. It also can easily become a “self-fulfilling” prophecy. If I see a future filled with fearful experiences, it is very likely I will create those experiences.

Some may wonder if I am a person like Don Quixote, “tilting after windmills”. That hasn’t been my experience. I continuously focus myself on what is important right now. My guide is feeling what is true, what is so. This feeling is accessible when I remember to look with my heart.

What my heart reveals today is that great change is ahead. I can walk through this change in peacefulness. I know that I have all the resources I require as long as I remember to live in the present moment, not choosing to be distracted by the past or paralyzed with fear of the future.

Until later,

Thomas

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What are you afraid of?

The Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself – Franklin D. Roosevelt

There is so much news that is, well, frightening. It seems like every day there is more “bad” news and the reaction to this news as reported by the media is a response of contraction or panic. This stampede of fear is not something new in either our history or the history of the world. Often choices are made in times of such gloom that are later seen as misguided and seldom change the circumstances we are most afraid of.

As I was watching this happen, I began to wonder what I do when I am afraid. Fear is an interesting phenomena. Sometimes I am aware that I am afraid and sometimes I am not. Either way, I often act in a similar manner. I have two general responses to being afraid. The first is to strike out at whatever or whoever is closet to me when the fear reaction is engaged. This might be yelling at someone or at least showing them a high level of annoyance. Now my reaction doesn’t have anything to do with the person that I direct my response to. It is really my own need to push my fear out of my body and onto someone else.

The other response I have is to feeling afraid is to fudge the truth (sometimes called lying). This response often happens when I don’t immediately know that I am afraid. I fudge the truth to try to gives others a confidence that everything will be OK. I do this to bolster my own confidence without any real notion of whether what I am saying is really true or not. For example, I can say that I am confident that a certain client contract will close, when I don’t have any real evidence that supports this position I say this to tranquilize myself and others so that I don’t have to engage the panic that I am feeling inside.

I have been working through these reactions to fear for some time. I find that when I can say, “I am afraid”, I diffuse the need for either of the two reactions I mentioned above. What often happens next is that I am no longer feel controlled by the fear. It’s not that I don’t have some residual physical feelings that the fear invoked, but I can begin to consider what actions to take from a peaceful perspective and once I am clear on a course of action, I get busy.

My little microcosm isn’t much different than what I see happening in our financial markets and political system. There are many good reasons to be concerned with the situation we are facing not just economically but with the resources we need to sustain our quality of life. These circumstances didn’t just arise in the past few months. They have been around for some time. Our business leaders and politicians have been trying to keep us all a bit pacified so that we won’t change our economic behaviors.

We are now at a moment when the hiding the facts from us won’t work anymore. We are letting our business and political leaders know that we expect them to act differently. So I invite you to join me in not reacting in fear when you hear the news. If you feel fear, that’s OK. Just don’t let it be the prevailing mood when you decide what is the best response by both you and our leaders. Once you get clear outside the clutches of fear, then do like it do – get busy.

Until later,

Thomas.

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