I want you to appreciate me at any cost!

The afternoon was nearly perfect. The temperature was in the upper 70s and there was a nice breeze. Wispy clouds were floating by occasionally, dimming the afternoon sun. A friend came by and we decided to sit along the banks of the stream that flows past our home.

I was feeling a bit blue and wasn’t quite sure why. As we reminisced, it dawned on me that I was feeling unappreciated. This feeling isn’t new. In fact, it’s a feeling that has created great mischief in the past. I was also feeling frustrated with myself. I thought I had moved past this need.

So much for that idea! Now, I understand that my desire to be appreciated comes from a belief that if others appreciate me, I must being doing something that’s valuable. When I feel something is missing in my life, I want that hollow place to be filled by the kind words of others. I want to hear how much I’ve helped you, or how you feel what I’m doing is really wonderful.

What am I willing to do to get you to say these things that I feel will fill my inner wanting? I might do things for you so you will say good things about me, or at least express appreciation. This means that I have a price tag for what I offer you that I never express – so much for integrity. I also may do things for you, and if you don’t give me the unspoken token of appreciation, I become irritated with you for your lack of appreciation. All in all, my need to feel good comes with such a big cost.

So what to do? I could say erase all my neediness. Ok, that would certainly do the trick, but I don’t think many of us are going to experience that by the end of today. What I can do is be kind to myself. Most of my needs, desires and wants are underground. When they poke their head up, I either pretend they aren’t there or I try to use some force to push them back down. We know these strategies don’t work particularly well.

When I’m accepting of my needs, I don’t indulge them. Rather, I love myself with these needs. Just this simple act creates a change that many call a miracle. Go ahead, give it a try, and see for yourself.

Applause…. Please!

I was taking care of some paperwork today that required walking through a maze of tax and financial information. In the past, I loved doing that type of work. It was like crawling into my mind and getting lost. Everything around me fell away and it was challenging for anyone to get my attention.

Today the experience was different. I did the work and completed what was required. I even got it done earlier than it was needed. Yet, I was feeling hollow, rather than elated, which was the outcome of my previous experiences. So what’s different?

I wasn’t sure, so I decided to use this writing to find the answer to that question. Ahhh. for one thing, I’m finding that I’m having fewer emotional highs and lows. I can feel my personality wondering what’s wrong. I mean, aren’t we supposed to be filled with excitement when we accomplish something?

Now I can see where this is going. I have an addiction to emotional “juice”. I want to feel the high because I believe the highs show me and others how well I’m doing (interesting, since I know that after the high comes the low, which I’m not so keen about). Excellent! Another clue appears.

I often did this type of work to be well thought of. In this case, I would want my wife to know how well I’m taking care of her and the family. I want to be regarded as a hero conquering this morass of complexity. This is where the payoff is falling flat. I don’t seem to need her appreciating me. I just got done what was required. No fanfare is called for.

This isn’t what I expected. I thought I would experience this inner calm and peace and , you know, the music would play and the heavens would open. As crazy as that sounds, it’s not too far from my fantasy. Of course, that dramatic expectation can only be another product of my personality. A personality that loves drama, especially if I’m at the center of it.

It’s nice to sit in the calm of completion. I can share this with you (and my wife who edits this blog) and if it helps you along your way, great. Things are getting simpler. Authenticity is becoming a more constant companion.

Getting lost with Excitement!

Am I excited! A project I have considered for 8 years is staring to come to life. As each piece effortlessly falls into place, my excitement increases. Underneath this almost giddy feeling, my inner warning bells are going off.

You see, when my emotions start rising quickly there’s a good chance that I’ll lose focus. I’ll start allowing my emotions to guide my decisions and actions. From experience, I know this isn’t a good idea.

I began to wonder how to feel excitement without becoming lost. I realize that I experience two types of excitement. One, I might call a feeling of inner satisfaction. This feeling leads to contentment. The other is almost delirious emotional excitement. When I’m in the throes of it, my excitement brings rapid speech, lightheadedness, and a flushed complexion. This has as its aftermath, let down.

As I write, I can feel satisfaction rising. I am moving out of my emotional reaction and into seeing the situation clearly, and I know contentment is just around the corner

LIberation Day!

What are you afraid of? For me, it’s making mistakes. I feel awful, when I believe I have done something incorrectly. Maybe, it’s an old fear of being shamed or teased. I don’t know. Whatever the cause, it’s a limitation that I’m pretty tired of.

When I look at it rationally, it doesn’t really make sense. What if I fall off my bike or burn the stew? What does it matter if my writing is substandard today and I farted in the checkout line? None of these actions define who I am. They are just passing moments that are left on life’s cutting room floor long after I leave.

Today is liberation day. I have decided (it’s actually that simple) that I don’t care if I make mistakes today. You see, the hidden truth is that my fear of making mistakes brings with it more mistakes. It’s ironic – that which I fear, I experience. Quite a conundrum I created.

Today, I’m going to do what I feel is right, with no worry about any errors I make. Just sharing this with you, I feel lighter. The French have Bastille Day on July 14^th, I have Liberation Day on April 25^th. It’s time.

What about you? What are you afraid of? Are you ready for your liberation day?

Thomas

Sadness and Deliberateness

I was talking with a friend yesterday about sadness. Each of us feels this emotion from time to time and for the most part accept that we will simply be swept along with its feelings.  Emotions are automatic reactions. When I am feeling the emotion, there are a number of associated physical reactions and thoughts that comprise my overall sense of sadness.

Sadness, quite simply, is our inner desire for something to be different than it is. I am sad because my relationship with a friend is ended. I am sad because I lost my job. I am sad because I lost a prized possession. In sadness, I am lamenting that something I want is no longer in my life.

Deliberateness asks us to accept what is. In the case of the lost job, it is not going to come back because I am sad. During my time of sadness, I am living in the past and wanting this memory to magically recreate that lost experience RIGHT NOW. The sooner I focus on what is so in my life, the sooner I move to deliberateness.

I am not suggesting that we don’t have feelings. That simply isn’t who we are as humans. What I offer is or us to consider  the option to feel sadness (or any other emotion for that matter) and rather than fall into our old patterns of reaction and behavior choose, right now, in a deliberate way, how to respond to what’s right in front of us.