Finding the Quite

I must be on a fall theme. I’m sitting here in the early morning, enjoying the fire in our newly installed woodstove. There’s something about heating with wood that you can witness burning through the glass doors of the stove that brings warmth that seems unavailable in traditional heating.

The treat for me of this quietness is the feeling of grabbing some precious time for myself. Just the fire and I, sitting here talking with you. In the daily quest for a life filled with service and learning and family and friends and everything outdoors, I seem to have overlooked quiet time.

I know it’s easy to justify this oversight. Sure, I’m busier than I can remember. Physically I feel pretty maxed out, in terms of my capacity. Yet, I know that if I can pry away minutes that have no agenda or mission or task, and just sit with the silence, I feel rejuvenated. Nothing else restores me this way.

I feel a bit selfish. There is so much to do. I know this inner voice of concern is a distraction, and not true anyway. Earlier in the week, when I started writing again, I felt like I had regained a lost friend. For that’s what writing is for me. A friend, that listens patiently, offers reflection if asked, and never complains about anything.

I know that my day has a different music whenI start it this way. I tend to be more patient, more aware and way more peaceful. What needs to get done, does and things don’t, weren’t that important anyway.

So why doesn’t every day start this way, I wonder. Simply put, I get sloppy. I know that being deliberate is so much richer than living in reaction to the stimulus around me. Yet, I forget this simple truth and fall into the pattern of reactivity.  The good news for this morning is, I remembered. I celebrate remembering and sharing it with you.

May you find your own quiet moments today and remember what matters most.

From Here to Simplicity

So you get caught up in your daily life’s stress. It’s four o’clock in the afternoon and you have lost perspective about what’s important. How do you know this? You are gearing up to spend four or five more hours getting “things” done before your day is over.

In our culture, there is a rationalizing story that hard work is the way to success. I come from many years in Silicon Valley. Company leaders don’t feel you are pulling your weight if you aren’t putting in 55- 60 hours a week, and go home and continue reading and answering emails.

What’s the cost? Everything that’s vital to our life is the cost. As I’m burning the midnight oil working on a project, I start transferring greater and greater importance to my work. Every day, I inch my way further and further away from the people I care most about, I deny my health, or I ignore the need in my soul for quiet.

All this to feed the beast of success. Success, so I can have more stuff. More stuff, that for the most part, isn’t essential to my life, and requires gobs of non-renewable resources to build or use.

This pattern is played out every day all over this country. If that’s not bad enough, we seem to be infecting the rest of the world. As consumer spending grows here and in Europe, it fuels manufacturing in Asia. The growing population of factory workers and supporting business employees want their taste of the fruits of consumerism.

Where does this end? It ends in a mess. Right now, we are consuming more resources than the planet can replenish. The problem is there is a tipping point and the stuff we all want will rise dramatically in price until it’s only available to the elite. We hard workers will have less and less reward.

Now many feel that the solution is some government intervention, or a restructuring of large businesses. I don’t think that’s going to happen right away. Are we doomed? Not necessarily. A movement called Transition Town is emerging in more parts of the world. It’s doing some wonderful things that help bring us back into harmony with the earth and each other. This is good, yet insufficient.

What’s called for, is a real change of perspective. We are called to reframe our material needs. Move from working and living so we can have stuff to only having what we truly needs. This will mean a lot less for most of us. For those who are practicing this radical simplicity, the reports are encouraging.

They report that they feel freer. They spend significantly less time working at jobs. They are healthier, and their relationships are the richest they’ve been in years.

Even with these appealing outcomes, the change to living a simpler life appears daunting. Does it mean that I have to give all my stuff away. Nope! It means that you start getting deliberate and honest. You have anything that you require to have a safe, healthy, harmonious life. These three criteria are at the root of four questions you can ask about anything you have, or are considering having.

What are these four questions? OK, I’ll share.

1. Is this possession required for my personal or family safety?
2. Does this possession promote my well-being or health?
3. Do I agree with the practices employed to create this possession?
4. If I don’t have this possession, will my quality of life be truly diminished?

Remember that real honesty is required. Questions like number 3 require us to consider something that we mostly overlook. How was this manufactured? Was the labor employed in a way I would agree with ? Is it done with the most ecologically sound approach? Is the building of this the best use of the natural resources required?

Now here’s the key for the four question exercise. If your answer is no to any of these questions, it’s probably a good idea to pass along the possession if you already have it or not acquire it if you do.

Whew, you may say. That’s a lot. Yep. If you don’t want to drop over the cliff as a consequence of our continuing mindset of more, you are offered this opportunity. It won’t hurt. It will just be a bit uncomfortable for a short while, and then the real benefits will kick in.

I’m writing this not just for you. I was here at my desk until midnight last night. This was very familiar. I could rationalize the situation and say that I don’t normally fall into this type of behavior. I know how easy it is to fall into the old habit, and I’d be off to the races.

The consequences would be more severe this time. I know better. I’ve tasted life without this stress. Good, I say to myself, I can pull back now. Yes, and its this practice of reflection and writing that is bringing me back.

What do you do to maintain your sanity? How do you remember where you have fallen off the path of a balanced life and bring yourself back? Perhaps this is something worthwhile to munch on over the weekend.

Mind the Gap

If you have ever ridden the London underground, you are familiar with the warning that’s painted on the boarding platform. This simple admonition is , “Mind the Gap.” As I was walking about this morning appreciating the freshness after a much needed rain, the gap between what I understand and my behaviors was, once again, in my face.

How is it that I “know” so much and this awareness doesn’t translate into behavior that is consistent with that knowing? I know the impact of worry. Doesn’t matter what the worry is. How much money I have. What others think of me. How I spend my time. The list seems endless. Each time, I take a breath and feel the cause of the worry, I always get the same answer. I’m putting my attention on the future. I am not living fully in this present moment.

I know that living fully right now, putting no attention on anything else, offers experiences that aren’t possible otherwise. Knowing this is great. Why do I act differently?

The answer to this question has been elusive until now. I didn’t expect to write the preceding sentence. The answer presented itself, and I am taking pause to feel the consequences of its revelation.

A bit of digression before I reveal the answer. Marianne Williamson wrote in her book A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

The foundation for the answer I received can be felt in this beautifully expressed writing. “Who are you not to be?” This simple question is at the crux of our human condition. I am provided indoctrination from early on that my life is filled with limitation. I can’t do something because we don’t have enough money. Someone like me wouldn’t ever be capable of some feat that requires being extraordinary. I’m only an insignificant being, after all.

This lie is told over and over again. The reasons vary, but generally revolve around the theme, “you don’t want to get too big for your breeches.” All sorts of adult “authority figures” believe they are saving me from the dire consequences of self-aggrandizement or preparing me for the harsh reality of what’s possible.

Their good intentions don’t negate the consequences. They are planting the seeds of my deep belief in my limitations. Once this process is begun, there are ample sources of evidence to confirm my deficiencies and limitations. The only problem is that the evidence is incomplete. It is discovered through the lens of beliefs of insufficiency. Kind of looking at a glass as half empty or half full.

Over time, my beliefs become so strong that I’m certain they are true. Sure, I may have momentary experiences that are outside these beliefs. Maybe I excel at an athletic event or accomplish something that seems impossible. Soon after the event, the old, ingrained beliefs are loudly pointing out that this was a fluke, and certainly not to be experienced again.

It was said that Steve Jobs created a ‘reality distortion field” around himself. When people talked with him, he would be so persuasive about what he was advocating that even if they believed something quite different at the beginning of the conversation, they were enrolled in his perspective by the end.

We all have the power to create our own “reality distortion field”. When some read this phrase, they may say, “Come on, we know it’s important to accept things as they are.” Yes, I absolutely agree. Accepting things as they are is vital for pragmatic living. The challenge I have (and I suspect you have as well) is seeing things as they are.

We look at the world through our personal reality. This reality is formed by so many influences. These influences take the form of beliefs that, for the most part, we are unaware of. I grew up in the south and have a fondness for certain southern accents. When someone starts talking in a slow, comforting cadence that elongates the vowels and lets the words move smoothly out of their mouths, I find my mood is happy. This person could be telling me things that I know are completely false, yet my love of their speaking voice, starts numbing my discernment, and I begin believing them.

We all have our blind spots. Ways we misperceive what’s real because of our likes and dislikes. Seeing the world as it is means being aware of this tendency and minding the gap. You see, this gap is created by misperception, reinforced over time. This misperception isn’t only in our thoughts. It is also in our automatic emotional and physical reactions.

Changing your world view is actually very easy if you’re willing to commit to one important principle. Be patient. In our culture, we want things to change RIGHT NOW. It’s not that instant change is impossible. It’s just that it doesn’t happen often. More likely change comes from taking one step, then the next, then the next.

If I remember patience, I start accumulating the benefit of change more quickly than I thought. Each day’s addition to being aware of what’s real deepens my experience. Which takes me back to the answer I received to the question, “Why do I act differently from what I know?”

I forget to ask one simple question. This question is different for each of us. My question is, “Is this moment the greatest moment of my life?” As I hold that question in my awareness, it becomes my reference point. If the answer is no, I remember I can have the greatest moment of my life, right now, and I do. If the answer is yes, I smile and allow myself to feel the amazement of this experience.

There is some misperception of the qualities of a greatest moment. Some will believe (and that’s the problem isn’t it?) that greatest moments are always about feeling happy. Sometimes that’s so, and at others times it’s not. Greatest moments are about experiencing everything possible, with no limitation, right now.

One of the most powerful examples of this, is my wife’s story about her labor with our youngest. She had heard a few women say that the most intense contractions of labor could be ecstatic. When she heard this, she felt disbelief. With our next youngest, her labor was fast. Start to finish, it was over in a few hours.

With our last child, labor seemed to go on and on. Her expectation of a quick delivery, simply wasn’t happening. As her labor continued, she started experiencing what she had previously disbelieved. The pain of the contractions, rather than something to cower from was a wave she rode. She felt bliss. There are photos of her in the birthing pool, at that time, filled with her radiance.

She was totally in the experience. She was not referencing what anyone else said about the pain, or her own experiences of previous deliveries. She was in the NOW. The experience that most call deeply painful was intense and joyful.

As I finish writing to you, I am filled with wonder. I have been moving in and out of great moments. There is a little voice that says this won’t last. I smile, and rather than give it my attention, ask the question, “Is this the greatest moment of my life?” Yes it is.

Is this the greatest moment of your life? If not, I invite you to let go of any disbelief, and join me in living in the experience of greatness.

Busy, Busy, Busy

I was noticing today how busy I felt. I looked at my calendar this morning and thought, “Wow, what a jam-packed day I have planned”. Mid-morning, I received an email from someone I had confirmed a lunch appointment with last week, that wasn’t on the calendar.

My first response was to feel overwhelmed. How was I possibly going to be able to do everything? As I noticed worry arise, I considered that maybe there was another way to consider the balance of my day. Rather than feel like I had too much, I started feeling that I have just the right amount of activity. After all, I had been “priming the pump” of many of these interactions and they were now bearing fruit.

Ah, I realized, this was an old pattern of sowing seeds and then not being present for growing and harvesting. Good, I’ve discovered this early. I settled into the rest of the day wondering, about mid-afternoon, how I was going to find time to write. Without any worry, the time showed up and here I am talking with you.

We all know the impact of the power of suggestion. Knowing this doesn’t mean that I’m always aware of a distracting suggestion when I start to be affected by it. In the past, I would fill my days with activities. This frenetic pace helped me feel important and worthwhile. Yet, when the day was over, I was exhausted and didn’t feel like anything useful was completed.

Today, after my little worry spell, I felt like I was dancing. Things I was hoping to create came to life with ease. For me, efforting is part of the pattern of busyness. “Hard work is a measure of who you are”, is a message I heard from early childhood. This message has led to disillusionment and despair. As today’s results point out, it’s about being present with what’s in front of me.

What do you do when you find your day suddenly appears to be much busier than you expected? Do you feel out of sorts or overwhelmed? Remember there is an alternative. Stop, allow yourself to breathe slowly, and realize all you have in front of you is just what you ordered.

Fathers and Sons

Today is father’s day and I notice I’m kind of grumpy and I’m not clear why. There seems to be a hollowness when I feel myself as a father, always a good time to check those beliefs that warp perception.

Being a father is a sacred trust. It calls forth strength and vulnerability, courage and compassion, giving and receiving. Somewhere along the line, I created a perfect father “picture”. Maybe this was influenced by the television program, “Father knows best.” I know that sounds funny, but I can feel the messages of being a father who was always perfect with this wife and children in every situation. He was never angry or harsh. He always brought out the best in everyone in the family in every situation. What a standard to compare myself to!

In my inner exploration, I have found absolute gratitude and love for my father. Orrie was a great teacher. He loved me, and for many years didn’t know how to say it. I was unable to see his love in his actions. Before he departed from his body nine years ago, we had found appreciation for our similarities and differences. When he was gone, only love remained.

So, I thought I didn’t have anything else to uncover about fatherhood. Today’s awareness reminds me of the difference between being a son and being a father. As a son, I have found peace, but not as a father. I want to be perfect for my sons. I find myself lacking at moments, and my judgments are strident.

Looking at what I am not provides no space to see what I am. I know the power of the inner judge to obscure truth. I suppose I will continue to be offered evidence of this until I no longer judge myself or anyone else.

Now the real picture of me as father is coming into view. What a gift it is to be allowed to be father of all these beautiful spirits. It is I who offers them thanks for this privilege.

Home Sweet Home

For most of my adult life, I’ve been restless. Traveling over 4 million miles, I was in constant motion. In business, I was on the hunt for the next “deal”. At home, I was striving to have new experiences to take the edge off a boredom I felt. I was in search of home.

I was looking everywhere for a feeling of contentment that I sensed was home. I turned over every rock I could find and in some moments thought I had found the secret of home only to realize my discovery wasn’t home. Some times this quest was augmented with a yearning for intimate partnership. Maybe I couldn’t find home until I had the perfect relationship.

About five years ago, it began to dawn on me that home wasn’t a place. This realization didn’t come all of a sudden. I have been looking within since 1984. I have seen glimpses of home, and then it would slip away. Maybe it was discomfort with seeing myself unembellished by my ego. Whatever the reason, I kept looking hoping home would appear soon, as I was growing tired of the search.

Still, it took four more years for me to become certain where home is. Over the four years, I would feel I was totally clear, only to feel a yearning to go somewhere else. “The mountains are calling me” was the chant of the still restless spirit within. As that thought arose one day, I stopped and felt what was provoking this discontent.

I still hadn’t take the final step. I hadn’t accepted that home isn’t a place. It’s a state of being. Home is me. When I stop yearning and looking around for what’s missing, home is present. This feeling is now my constant companion. I haven’t felt a longing to explore other places in some time. I am now experiencing a home space that is exactly like my inner feeling of home.

I’m also not so keen on getting on airplanes. I still do, from time to time, but it’s never to go somewhere continue seeking home. I now feel contentment, and that’s tells me more than anything I’m home.

How about you? Do you feel yearnings for something that you don’t have in your life? Maybe you already have it and just don’t see it yet. A thought to take you into this weekend.

Applause…. Please!

I was taking care of some paperwork today that required walking through a maze of tax and financial information. In the past, I loved doing that type of work. It was like crawling into my mind and getting lost. Everything around me fell away and it was challenging for anyone to get my attention.

Today the experience was different. I did the work and completed what was required. I even got it done earlier than it was needed. Yet, I was feeling hollow, rather than elated, which was the outcome of my previous experiences. So what’s different?

I wasn’t sure, so I decided to use this writing to find the answer to that question. Ahhh. for one thing, I’m finding that I’m having fewer emotional highs and lows. I can feel my personality wondering what’s wrong. I mean, aren’t we supposed to be filled with excitement when we accomplish something?

Now I can see where this is going. I have an addiction to emotional “juice”. I want to feel the high because I believe the highs show me and others how well I’m doing (interesting, since I know that after the high comes the low, which I’m not so keen about). Excellent! Another clue appears.

I often did this type of work to be well thought of. In this case, I would want my wife to know how well I’m taking care of her and the family. I want to be regarded as a hero conquering this morass of complexity. This is where the payoff is falling flat. I don’t seem to need her appreciating me. I just got done what was required. No fanfare is called for.

This isn’t what I expected. I thought I would experience this inner calm and peace and , you know, the music would play and the heavens would open. As crazy as that sounds, it’s not too far from my fantasy. Of course, that dramatic expectation can only be another product of my personality. A personality that loves drama, especially if I’m at the center of it.

It’s nice to sit in the calm of completion. I can share this with you (and my wife who edits this blog) and if it helps you along your way, great. Things are getting simpler. Authenticity is becoming a more constant companion.

Getting lost with Excitement!

Am I excited! A project I have considered for 8 years is staring to come to life. As each piece effortlessly falls into place, my excitement increases. Underneath this almost giddy feeling, my inner warning bells are going off.

You see, when my emotions start rising quickly there’s a good chance that I’ll lose focus. I’ll start allowing my emotions to guide my decisions and actions. From experience, I know this isn’t a good idea.

I began to wonder how to feel excitement without becoming lost. I realize that I experience two types of excitement. One, I might call a feeling of inner satisfaction. This feeling leads to contentment. The other is almost delirious emotional excitement. When I’m in the throes of it, my excitement brings rapid speech, lightheadedness, and a flushed complexion. This has as its aftermath, let down.

As I write, I can feel satisfaction rising. I am moving out of my emotional reaction and into seeing the situation clearly, and I know contentment is just around the corner

Sacrifice Not Required!

Today was a peculiar day for writing. The weather is perfect. It’s sunny, the temperature is in the low 70s and there is a gentle breeze. My relatively new office overlooks an amazing stream and the outdoor pours in, inviting me to come out and play.

Guess what I want to do? I want to have a temper tantrum, which could look like sitting here staring outside, and feeling angry that I’m here and not there. Yet, I sit here with my fingers poised over the keyboard and wait for writing to pour forth. Surely there is something that needs to be expressed.  I get it, I’m going to share with you my frustration about being at the keyboard, rather than walking barefoot in the grass.

It’s good to remember that distractions take many forms. One that’s very familiar to me is worry. My worries are generally about something that’s either going to happen or should happen, but probably won’t. Today though, my distraction is annoyance. The alternative to writing appears to be so attractive that I forget, temporarily, why I write.

I love writing. When I write, I see things more clearly, I connect with you and I expand my abilities as a teacher. I see that part of the nature of my distraction is the illusion of sacrifice. My little voice is protesting my choice of activity with the warning that if I don’t go outside RIGHT NOW, I will miss out on the best day of the year. The voice is very convincing. I’ve followed it many times.

I realized a while back, that the type of sacrifice the voice is using to induce me to abandon writing isn’t real. I can write and spend some time outside. This won’t be possible if it sit here paralyzed by “writers block”. I decided about ten minutes ago, ENOUGH. I’m going to have some fun writing about my dilemma and not put any attention on the voice’s dire prediction. I know I’ll be outside in no time at all.

How often do you allow distraction to take you away from what’s important? It happens so subtly. One minute you are getting ready to do what you love, and the next you are drifting in thoughts. You discover later (could be minutes or hours or days) that you have been lost.

Remember distraction comes with a high cost, as the present moment will never be here again. OK.. now it’s time to go outside

So What’s Enough?

 

Over the past few weeks, as we have settled into our new home, I have noticed an emotional push-pull that surprises me. We have found the perfect home. We are astounded daily by treasures that are unexpected. From the blue heron who was fishing in the pond last night, to the overwhelming abundance of herbs that grow freely, our dreams unfold right before our eyes.

With our challenges of finding this home behind us, I expected to feel nothing but contentment. Mostly that is how I spend my days. I have noticed, though, that there is the faint hint of restlessness poking up. At first, it is so out-of-place that I didn’t notice it. Recently, my ongoing practice of taking stock of how I’m feeling revealed this hint of “wanting more”.

What is the root of this thread of discontent? Ahh, it’s simple, I realize. I have spent most of my life looking ahead. I spoke about this in my March 22^nd blog posting, The Challenge of Looking Forward or Backward. Frequently, I am thinking about what comes next. When I pull myself out of the present, there is no possibility for contentment.

I can feel a gnawing fear that if I don’t look ahead I will be surprised. Again, I know this is an error. I can never know what is ahead anyway. What I can do is attune my abilities to sense everything that’s going on in the present moment, and act, when necessary, in response to what’s happening RIGHT NOW.

Sharpening my attention to the present moment pays all sorts of dividends. Relationships always blossom when I am present with those I connect with. Being present brings no assumptions from the past with it. Not assuming allows me to see the truth of the moment and act with precise clarity, often sidestepping potential problems and allowing me to take advantage of opportunities I might otherwise miss.

Good reminder as I settle into contentment at the end of a perfect day!